February 3, 2015
Seattle, WA – After hundreds of millions of football fans and reporters around the world lambasted Jesus Christ for costing the Seattle Seahawks the Super Bowl XLIX title, the Holy Messiah came forward to take responsibility. Christ shunned media attention following the big game, but the relentless cries for answers finally forced him to make a public statement.
“Yep, this one’s on me. I hold myself accountable,” said the Great Shepherd. “Look, I’m God. The game was in my hands at the end. So I have to shoulder the blame.”
People had been calling out Christ from the second Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dropped back to pass on what turned out to be Seattle’s final offensive play of the game. Comments like ‘Jesus Christ, what are you doing?’ and ‘Mother of Christ, don’t make that throw!’ and ‘Jesus f—ing Christ Almighty, what the f—k?!’ echoed around the world.
ESPN statisticians calculated that over 365.53 million sentence iterations with Christ’s name it were shouted, texted and tweeted during the five minutes following the now infamous play. Not surprisingly, Seahawks Nation, a.k.a. the 12s, contributed the highest number of word combinations per capita.
What started as a public mea culpa from Christ quickly turned into a defiant rant.
“I gave the Hawks some huge breaks last week against Green Bay and I kept them in the Super Bowl when their offense played like dog shit for the first 25 minutes. I even gave them that bobble catch to Kearse toward the end of the game,” said The Lord. “But when I heard that play call come from the press box, I was just like ‘you guys are assholes. I’m doing all I can over here but you still want to muck it up.’ So I whispered in his (New England cornerback Malcolm Butler) ear and said, ‘Here comes the slant route. You’re welcome.’”
Some of the most devout Seahawks players struggled to reconcile their love for God with the life-altering Super Bowl loss.
“God is good…but come on man. If we’re destined to lose, just make it a blow out,” said Wilson. “#timetogetbacktowork #lessonlearned Go Hawks!”
Outspoken Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin took a less diplomatic stance.
“I been praying twice daily these last two weeks. I prepared my body, mind and soul for this game,” said Baldwin. “I did everything Jesus asked of me. He was just a hater today.”
Seahawks General Manager John Schneider issued a prepared statement via Facebook. “Jesus really boned us today. I don’t care how bad the play call was. We were the better team. God just got a little less good in my book.”
Even fans with only a casual interest in the game passed judgment on Jesus. When Wilson threw the interception, President Obama spit out his home-brewed honey beer in disbelief. He then blurted, “Jesus Christ that was dumb!”
After hearing Christ’s press conference, Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll remarked, “I’ve never been big on any of that religion awesomeness. Even with Russ (Wilson) and John (Schneider) always telling me how great god is. But now, I don’t know dude. Lots to think about this off season.”
On the flipside, Patriots players and coaches were unanimous in their praise of God. Moments after the pivotal play, tight end Rob Gronkowski shouted, “Holy Christ, we’re gonna win this!”
Following his impromptu attempts at the Cat Daddy and Dougie dances on the sideline, Gronkowski looked over to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and reaffirmed his gratitude to the Heavenly Father. “Jesus, bro, this is bomb diggity! I can’t even believe we’re gonna get the Lombardo trophy!”
When Christ finished his press conference, Marshawn Lynch, whom many argue should have gotten the ball on the Seahawks final play, grudgingly stepped to the podium.
Said Beast Mode, “I’m here so I won’t go to hell.”
Written by Simon Hamlin
‘The Organic Onion’