BREAKING NEWS: Lowell Man Laments His Lack of Fertile Eggs

January 6, 2015

Lowell, MA – 28-year-old Lowell native Nicholas Kerrigan announced that he wishes he had some ‘baby-makin’ eggs to sell. The surprise proclamation to best friends Mikey Walsh, 27 and Ryan Byrne, 28 occurred last night at 11:47 p.m. inside Molly Kay’s pub on Middlesex Street.

Kerrigan, unemployed for the last 15 months, recently broadened his job search to include not only the classified section of the Lowell Sun newspaper, but also Craigslist. It was during a visit to the ETC (Etcetera) section of Craigslist’s job posting forum that Kerrigan discovered multiple egg donor requests.

“Therrah families out theh willing to pay a lotta cash for an egg. I’m talkin’ five to seven grand easy,” exclaimed Kerrigan. “I mean I know I don’t got any, but it really got me thinkin’.”

Three hours and eight pints of Bass Pale Ale later, Kerrigan decided to open up to his friends about donating eggs. “That’s crazy talk,” responded Walsh. “If you ever made a kid, it’d probably get sent to juvie the second it popped out.”

When Byrne suggested that Kerrigan instead try donating his sperm, Kerrigan snarled, “I don’t want some doctah playin’ around with my man chowdah!“ Further complicating matters, Kerrigan had been rejected from the local sperm bank two days earlier.

Seconds after his outburst, Kerrigan mused aloud, “I wondah if I have any Jewish or Chinese in me. Those people are offerin’ the most for some eggs.”

A hasty call home to his mother, inquiring about family lineage, brought unwelcome news. Kerrigan’s family tree includes no Jewish or Asian ancestors.

The spurned donor buried his forehead into his hands. “I tell you one thing…My little sistah is one lucky person,” said Kerrigan. “She’s sittin’ on a winnin’ lottery ticket.”

Written by Simon Hamlin

‘The Organic Onion’

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