BREAKING NEWS: Madonna Adopts Angelina Jolie

July 26, 2013

Beverly Hills, CA – Amidst weeks of rabid speculation and rumors, representatives from both sides confirmed that pop queen Madonna has adopted Academy Award winning actress Angelina Jolie.  The union became official when paperwork cleared through the Beverly Hills Courthouse.

The 38-year-old media magnet had already moved into Madonna’s Beverly Hills Estate one week ago along with her mega-star boyfriend Brad Pitt, 49, biological children Shiloh Nouvel, 7, twins Knox Leon and Vivenne Marcheline, 5, adopted Cambodia born son Maddox Chivan, 11, Vietnamese born son Pax Thien, 9 and Ethiopian born Zahara Marley, 8.  The Jolie clan joins Madonna’s biological children Lourdes, 16, and Rocco, 12, as well as adopted 8-year-old Malawi born son and daughter, David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie and Chifundo Mercy James.

Madonna, 54, set the wheels in motion to adopt Jolie in February.  According to her publicist, Liz Rosenberg, “Madonna recognizes just how many needy stars there are out there, so at a post-Oscar party, she resolved to do something about it.  She was immediately struck by Angie’s vulnerability and what she termed as an almost ‘lost child’ look.  Later in the night, Angie seemed to gravitate toward Madonna and started cuddling with her.  From that point on, Madonna knew this was going to be her little girl.”  Madonna filed adoption papers the very next day.

By all accounts, the two families are integrating well and bonding quickly.  Pax Thien affectionately calls his new matriarch ‘Gramadonna’, while Jolie has daily tea parties with Lourdes.  The pair sips on a brewed concoction, mixed with droplets of each other’s blood, as a sign of sisterhood solidarity.

One of several nannies, speaking on condition of anonymity, observes the strongest connection between mother-in-law and son-in-law.  “Mr. Brad and Ms. Madonna, they always like to be together.  Lots of time, they lock bedroom door and play for many, many hours.  Is so cute!”

Madonna’s spiritual advisor and Kabbalah Centre leader, Rabbi Philip Berg, presided over Shabbat dinner with the new family.  He said, “Maddy is just glowing.  I haven’t seen her this happy and gratified since she broke up Alex’s (Rodriquez) marriage.  She absolutely gushes over Angie, talking about how fun it is to drive her to set.  She’s just a regular mom.”  Also present at the dinner was Jolie’s newly named godfather, Ashton Kutcher.

Despite the air of tranquility inside the Madonna manor, the media circus and occasional attacks from the outside have been anything but.  Tabloids are jockeying for exclusive rights to take the first photographs of the new family together.  Reports estimate the cost could exceed $20 million, especially if Jolie agrees to bare a new tattoo on her hip that reads “Mama Don’t Preach”.

Meanwhile, Madonna’s former lover, NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman, has been critical of the adoption.  “This is some serious bull—t.  You mean to tell me she couldn’t find some nice inner-city kid to help out instead of a rich movie star.  F–k Madonna.  I like girls with badunkadunks.”

In a joint statement released by their representatives, Madonna and Jolie addressed fans and media alike.  “We wish to thank everyone for their outpouring of support.  We ask that people respect our privacy in this exciting period of adjustment and self-discovery.  It is all about family for us right now.”

Written by Simon Hamlin

‘The Organic Onion’

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